Mental Breakdown

I managed to go all of last semester with not one emotional breakdown.

On my third day of class this semester, I had one. Is it just me, or is this not a good thing?

The sad thing is is that I enjoy my classes this semester. (Well, all but one). However, combined it is just too much work, too much reading, too expensive to buy books, and will cause me too much stress.

Oh dear God what I have I gotten myself into? I can't drop any classes. They are all essential to me graduating on time. I can't buy my books, because I don't have any money. I'm falling behind after three days because I don't have all of my books to do my readings. But what does it matter anyway since I don't have any free time to do any homework?

I go straight from waking up at 8am Monday morning to Wednesday night whenever I get home from work (Tonight being after 10:30pm) with no time for rest. No joke. I have no breaks in between classes, Or what break I do have I'm rushing back and forth across campus. Then I work Monday and Wednesday evenings. And Tuesday I go from 7am until 6pm. And the rest of that night will be solely devoted to homework.

I've never had such a course load before. I've never had so many readings to do. I've never had so much pressure. It also doesn't help that in one of my history classes (which happens to be a Philosophy class about science by the way...???) I am completely lost in after two class periods. I'm having awful flashbacks to my Econ class which I nearly failed. I am SO lost in EVERYTHING my professor is talking about. Good God I'm in trouble.

And the teaching program at U of I isn't helping either. Oh no. I think I literally hate the teaching program. It is horribly disorganized, requires ridiculous things, and puts more stress ("if you don't do THIS you WONT graduate and you WONT be student teaching!") on me than I can handle.

My "mental breakdown" may not have happened today had it not been for work. Granted, I was physically and mentally exhausted by the time I entered "Min's" doors. And overwhelmed by everything life is throwing at me right now. But if it would have been a relaxing, laid back evening I may have been fine. But no, oh no. We were busy. Very busy. And then dead. Very dead. But low and behold at 8:15 Bill and Be (those pesky regulars) walked in. I was so excited! They were early. Butttt guess what? They decided to stay until 10:30. On a school night. On this school night. Oh, and when they left I was given a WHOLE $5 bill for staying so late. Gee, thanks. Do I sound bitter?

Well, these past few days just don't bode well for me. I have more work than I can possibly handle, am trying to complete every last teaching program requirement, working in excess at "Min" trying to make money, broke and trying to find a way to buy textbooks (which I've already spend $250 on yet still owe about $340), stressed about rent and utilities, and exhausted from all of this running around! Needless to say, I reached my end. And cried and cried on the phone to Kyle. Whom I'm possibly missing more than ever.

I don't mean to complain. I know it could be worse. So many people are more stressed than I, and have a harder time dealing with it. Take for example this very sad event: One girl I was supposed to work with tonight was unable to come in because earlier today her boyfriend found one of their friends dead, hanging from a rope in his room. He committed suicide and it is a horrible tragedy. Not only for Charlotte and her boyfriend, but for the kid who didn't see any other option.

So I have problems. But it could be so much worse. I don't mean to complain, I just am having trouble at the moment seeing the light. Seeing a time where I won't feel so unbelievably stressed out. I just have to remember the positives, and thank God for all the good in my life.

To things going better!