And They Say She's Sweet as Sugar

The description I most hear about my personality is that I'm "so sweet". I don't know exactly what I do that makes me that way, but supposedly I am. And its generally a trait I would use to describe myself. However, I'm beginning to think its not always such a good thing to be. Only because I have a hard time turning the sweet off and the bitch on. Sometimes I think I'm too nice.

Take last night for example. Now, I do understand that as a waitress you're supposed to be polite. Even when people are jerks. But I can only handle so much shit from customers. It really annoys me when people at restaurants get angry at their waitresses/waiter. Unless the restaurant is extremely slow, or your server is extremely rude, people need to learn how to be more understanding! I mean duh, common sense should tell you that your waitress WANTS to do a good job with your table. Why would she intentionally suck when she WANTS a good tip. Restaurants get incredibly busy and stressful sometimes, and WE DO OUR BEST. There is no reason I would ever NOT do something for my tables. I'm working for a reason, I want to make as much money as possible, so if I mess up, DON'T be an ass about it.

So I had this table of 9 last night. 9 old people which always generally sucks because old people are picky and shitty tippers. When I go to take their orders, one woman asks for something to put their cracker wrappers in (those generic plain/garlic/onion 3" cracker sticks). So I plan to get it for her when I'm grabbing their drinks. However, I forget. Most likely because I was concerned with making their three iced teas, two coffees, pouring a glass of wine, and getting pop. While worrying about my other tables.
So as I hand them their drinks, the woman bitchily says "I asked for a THING TO PUT MY WRAPPERS IN" And I apologized and told her I would be right out with it. As I'm walking away I hear her talking shit about me to the table. So I come back with a basket (which seems worthy of trash to me) and hand it to her. She then yells, "WHAT IS THIS!! I ASKED FOR A SAUCER TO PUT THE STUFF IN (uh...you never said saucer)...WHY WOULD I WANT THIS! THREE TIMES NOW! THREE TIMES YOU'VE COME BACK...GET ME MY SAUCER!!!!!" Ok, I say even though I'm getting really angry, and immediately come back with a plate for her. She then proceeds to turn around look me in the face and yell "ITS ABOUT TIME, WAS THAT SO HARD??!! (upon seeing that there was only one plate) WHY WOULD YOU ONLY BRING ONE, DO YOU THINK I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO NEEDS A PLATE! WHAT ABOUT OUR OTHER TRASH. WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PUT THAT" GEESH, USE YOUR BRAIN" And now I'm pissed, but I politely turn to the others at the table and ask who needs a plate. No one wants one (see bitch!).
To make matters worse, the table behind them is brought appetizer plates by their waitress. Bitchy old lady sees this and sneers at me "SEE, THEIR WAITRESS BRINGS THEM PLATES" I should have snapped at her, or said something, but instead I tried to calmly explain, No ma'am, those are appetizer plates that we give before appetizers. She then cried (pointing to the crackers) "THESE ARE APPETIZERS, CANT YOU SEE THAT". no, no they are not appetizers dumb fuck. At that point I had to leave because I was on the verge of tears from frustration, and the fact that I just COULDN'T make myself say anything mean.

I do understand that I was her waitress and its not my place to be rude. But she was being incredibly demeaning and talking down to me like I was a 5 year old in front of a huge group of people. These people were all very old, and I'm sure she was senile to a degree. But it was still so frustrating and its times like those I wish I was able to just be a bitch.

This is always the way I've been though. And probably the way I'll always be. When I was a little girl and would get candy from school or somewhere else (not strangers) I would always bring it home to share with "my boys" (my brothers). And that's just how things work in my mind. I'm a pleaser, and I'll always try to make others happy before myself.

This has worn on me though and I know many of my past issues can be related to my inability to express my emotions in the right kind of way. I usually let things build up and up until I snap. When I say snap however, I am referring to some kind of stress or emotional buildup that when I snap usually constitutes as sobbing tears. I've only had a few moments where I've actually allowed anger to build up in me so much, that I snap from rage.

One entertaining example of this happened when I was probably in my early, early teens and it must have been around dinner time because the family was in the kitchen. My dad was doing something, I don't quite remember, Nate was in his usual kitchen table chair, and Brady was teasing me and picking on me. The things he was saying were really getting to me and I could feel my blood boiling. Something he said, and to this day I don't remember what, made me snap. It felt like an explosion went off in my head and it all I could see was red. I remember screaming at Brady "DON'T YOU EEEEVVVVERRR SAY ANYTHINGGGGG LIKE THAT TO MEEEE AGAIINNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!" As I proceeded to grab him by the collar of his shirt, twist his shirt until I had a firm grip, and then literally threw and held him up against our kitchen cabinets. I probably would have started throwing punches but my dad started yelling and pulled me off Brady. All the while Nate was laughing hysterically from his chair. I doubt my brothers or dad even remember this episode. But it is so clear to me because I felt like a maniac who was out of control for a brief moment. And that is kind of scary.

So not to worry you but I might be one of those women murderers who kill by temporary insanity one day.

Well probably not, but I do need to work on letting my emotions out better and not always worry about others before myself. But I can still be sweet. I want to be one of those girls who are sweet, but can be a bitch and stand up for themselves when the time calls for it. And I'm getting better at this. Just obviously not with old senile hags.

And I apologize for the length of this. (ooo, welp, there I go again) In case you haven't noticed, I'm a very wordy, long-winded writer so expect to see very few short entries from me. I think I will write a novel one day, one of those annoying 1000 pagers.

And for now....that's all, tootles!