Confessions of a Co-Ed: What I do when I don't want to do school

The Oh-So-Scary Martha J. Story

Once upon a time there was a lovely girl named Martha J. She was born to a loving, caring family who always provided her with anything she wanted. However, she had a secret. She wasn't as perfect as she seemed. Marty was a slut. A stupid. And the devil.

When she entered the University of Illinois, she made sure to keep her secret hidden. Her poor angelic roommates Kelli and Whitney had no idea who they were living with. However, as each day passed, their suspicions grew and grew on who Marty really was. So Kelli and Whitney bravely decided they may have to do some detective work and put an end to the evilness that had overtaken their room.

You see, Kelli and Whitney had dealt with an evil monster in their room before. She was one of those ghouls who slept with their eyes open and talked behind your back. But Kelli and Whitney got rid of her. And believed they could do the same with Marty. Like I said, they were brave, brave girls.

Before Kelli and Whitney began to investigate, they decided to tell their good friend Luz their suspicions. Luz wasn't so easily convinced. Luz was a very trusting young girl who foolishly believed Marty couldn't possibly be evil. Although Luz was very shocked about this news, she encouraged Kelli and Whitney to try and get some proof.

Because Kelli and Whitney are so amazing, it didn't take long for them to discover the goods on Marty. Within a matter of minutes, these two detectives found in their bathroom solid proof that Martha was a slut!! Kelli was delighted. Whitney took pictures to show authorities.

There it was, plain as day. Marty J. is a slut.

Kelli and Whitney even discovered proof that Marty was a stupid!!! You might think this would be hard news to handle. But Whitney said "Yes!! Thumbs up, we're so smart!!" And Kelli said, "mmmmhmmmm told you so!".

Somewhere off in the distance, Martha's evil spirit was able to sense someone had discovered her secrets. Her horns emerged. The devil was awakened.

Saddened, shocked, and delighted at their smarts, Kelli and Whitney rushed back to their room to show Luz that Marty was a slut, a stupid, and a devil. Poor trusting Luz was devastated when she heard this. She really believed in Marty. How wrong she was.

Despite being warned by Kelli and Whitney, Luz decided to confront Marty and ask how she could possibly hide such terrible news. However, Martha did not react well to the discussion. Before Luz was able to react, Marty shot Luz with her devil Laser eyes.

Sadly, Marty was not nice enough to Kill Luz. Instead, she turned Luz into an evil, monstrous squirrel that would forever be haunted by her decision to befriend the devil.

You can imagine Kelli and Whitney's devastation when they discovered Luz had been turned into a squirrel. Yet they were not deterred. Whitney, with all of her genius, came up with a master plan to destroy Martha. Heck, they had gotten rid of a roommate before, couldn't they do it again? Plan Kill-Marty was now in action.

While Whitney was the brains behind the plan, Kelli was the muscles. She was a strong, angry, black girl who hated the devil. Kelli planned to attack Marty from behind and whip her death with Whitney's phone charger. (In memory of their dear friend Luz).

But Kelli should have known better. She should have known that you cannot kill the devil so easily. She should have known Marty enjoyed getting hit by Whitney's phone charger. And Kelli's brave and courageous attempt to save all of mankind resulted in horror that cannot be repeated for any to hear. All that can be said, is that Whitney found Kelli's lifeless body with her eyes completely gouged out. Poor, Poor, Kelli.

Whitney was horrified. And angered beyond all belief. It was now up to her to defeat the slutty, stupid, devil named Martha. Whitney vowed to avenge the death of Kelli and the squirrelness of Luz.

So Whitney planned to kill Marty they only way she knew how. By a public degradation ceremony. But what Whitney didn't know, was that Martha already knew this. And was waiting for Whitney to appear. Those tricky devils always know whats up.

When Whitney bravely arrived to embarrass Marty to death, Marty threw one of her horrid, devil, scary cats at Whitney's face. Authorities later provided this blog with the gruesome crime scene photos from Whitney's murder site.

Alas, this story is coming to a conclusion. And a sad one at that. Slutty, Stupid, Devil Marty was able to kill all those who she had deceived for months. And what is worse, she is out on the loose, ready to slut it up, stupid it up, and most horribly; devil it up.